once more with feeling

Everybody needs his or her person. It’s that one person, that very special person, that person that stands out amongst all the other persons. It’s that person that you can trust with your life, that person you can tell all your secrets (and I mean ALL), that person you state as your contact for emergencies. It’s that person that doesn’t judge you, that is there for you no matter what, that you can have the most fun with and also cry with. It’s that person you can talk to for hours and never get bored. It’s that person where words aren’t always necessary. It’s that person that you share every feeling with – may it be happiness, anger or sadness. It’s that person that knows you better than you know yourself.
For some, this person might be their partner, a family member or their best friend. It could be that they spent their whole life together or just got to know somewhen along the way. Some have the luck to have their person very close, others learn to overcome the biggest distances.

I got to know my person when I was 13. Sadly, our ways had to diverge at one point – and we were too careless to stop ourselves from diverging too.
My person is pregnant now. And our ways have diverged so much that it was not she who told me.
I miss my person.

I love Christmas. I love the colours, the snow, the smell, the food, the presents, the joy, the family time. But I can’t stand Christmas in social media. Facebook is spammed full with best wishes and YouTube videos of the most terrible songs ever, twitter is full with foodporn and stories about terrible family evenings, the e-mail inbox is full with greetings and out-of-office replies and the feed reader is full with top-of-the-year lists for every category you can possibly imagine.

So, I’m gonna keep this very short here: no matter what religion you are, I hope you have a couple of relaxing days, eat as much as you can and drink even more. I heart every single one of you reading the bullshit I produce here on regular basis.

Love from Hawai’i, where I’ll spend a very unchristmasy Christmas before heading on to California for New Year’s.

‘I can’t love anymore.’
He said it like it was the most normal thing to say. The words are still in my mind, I can’t stop thinking about it. Yes, he had to go through a lot of shit. He thought he had already found it, his happy ending, and in just one second somebody came and took it away. But still – can you really unlearn how to love?
I say no. It might be because I’m a hopeless romantic. And trust me, there are moments when I don’t believe in ‘the one’ anymore. The biggest two loves of my life so far did their best to take all the hopes and dreams away from me, and on some days I get the feeling that maybe there really is not someone for everyone. But I don’t think I’ll ever reach the point when I just give up on love.
Also – I still don’t believe him. I can’t. I am convinced that he wants to think it is true, that he is not able to love anymore. It’s his protection – if he does not fall in love again, he can’t get hurt again. Maybe he is afraid of falling in love. Because when you do, you never know what’s gonna happen. You can’t control it. And this is what scares us. What scares me. But isn’t loving someone who loves you back the best feeling in the world? Isn’t that feeling the reason why we go through all this bullshit? I believe that no matter how high we build the protection walls around our heart, if love wants to hit us, it will. And there is no reason and no sense to fight it. Who knows – maybe it will just be right.

Suuns from Canada will play at rhiz in Vienna tonight. This is their song ‘Fear’ off their debut album, which I think goes along quite well with the words above. However, I’ve been listening to it while writing.

Fear
it’s cold and it’s grey,
I just can’t explain.

I remember the first time I heard about Harry Potter as it would have been just a year ago. It was in school, when we had to do this project for a class where we picked a book as a group and then made a presentation about it. I had our group to talk about Sleepers, one of my all-time favorite books. When I now think about it, that was actually quite a book to choose as a 12-years old kid. In case you don’t know the book (or the movie, with no others than Kevin Bacon, Brad Pitt, Robert DeNiro, Dustin Hoffman and Bred Renfro starring): it’s about some boys being sent to a home after a prank gone terribly wrong, where they are abused and raped, and how they deal with what happened when they meet 14 years later.

However, back to HP: so there was this one group talking about that book where children were flying on broomsticks trying to catch the ‘Golden Snitch’ and something with talking hats and muggels. Honestly – I couldn’t care less about that bullshit and never thought of it again, until a couple of years later when we were forced to watch Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone with our English class. A little boy and magic? Nah, that was nothing for me, being 15 years old but pretending to be all grown up, with my badass boyfriend, my black lipstick and Kittie in my CD-player.
In 2005, I went to see the fourth part (HP and the Goblet of Fire) with my step-family (can you actually say that?) in cinema. It was the only family I ever really saw as kind of my second family; the mum of my boyfriend back then was quite a phony person and I totally couldn’t stand his sister, but still, we were together for three years, so basically they were my extended crazy and sometimes quite annoying family.
When Harry had his first kiss in 2007, I just came back from my year abroad in Italy and moved together with that boy to Vienna – 21 years old and being too naive to trust my mum that moving in at this age after having been together for only 2 years might not be the best idea. Well, turned out she was (of course) right, and so when HP and the Half-Blood Prince was released in 2009, I had long moved out of that flat and was just shortly before going on a 3-weeks long tour through South America with R., one of the most important people in my life so far.
Now, it’s 2011, and it’s over. Harry and me grew up – he defeated his demon and I had to deal with some of my own. Harry had to fight a lot of battles and prove that he was able to save that magic world from the dark lord. I had to prove myself that I was able to finish university and actually do something with my life that makes me happy. Harry lost a lot of loved ones on his way. So did I.

10 years is a long time. I watched Harry grow up with me, and I am indeed sad that it’s over now. But his battle is won, and I still have to face demons every now and then, feeling helpless sometimes and wishing I could also just use a wand and some spells. And coming closer and closer to my 25th birthday, I sometimes just wish I could put on my Kittie shirt, go back to part 1 and do it all over again. Just once more.

I can’t tell what I am gonna do next
Got no future plans and I’m feeling so real
And I know that I should probably be worried
But I can’t find a reason to worry at all
I know I probably should worry
But I just don’t care one little bit
I don’t give a shit

(Ezra Furman & The Harpoons – Teenage Wasteland)

Recently, I went for dinner with a friend of mine. And since it’s of no concern for this story, I’m just gonna call him “a friend” and won’t start telling you about our crazy and very complicated history that’s been going on for the past three years and still doesn’t seem to find an ending.
However, this friend of mine took a NLP seminar last week. Apparently, NLP has nothing to do with “new life performance” as my first guess was, but it’s the abbreviation for “neuro-linguistic programming”. In short, it’s an approach that deals with interpersonal communication and patterns of behaviour. Its aim is to teach you how to communicate effectively and as far as I understood it, also to influence people just through how you act when you communicate – through mirroring their behaviour more or less.
To be honest – some of the things my friend told me about would never work for me, probably because I’m too skeptical. For example, he said that they taught him to find a part of his body (he chose his wrist) and connect this with a situation or a thought that relaxes you. And just through that connection (plus whatever they told him), everytime you feel stressed and have to calm down, you just touch that part of your body for some seconds, remember that one thought, and you’ll be relaxed. I mean, seriously, I have tons of wonderful thoughts, but still they will never help me to relax in a heated discussion… I’d rather go for a cigarette & coffee, that’s my best medicine.

Still, some of the stuff he told me about was pretty interesting. At one point he started asking me really random questions, and I quickly realized that he wasn’t even interested in my answer but more in those few seconds between question and answer. He told me that he could interpret that I visualize everything in my mind before I answer. And yes, he just knew that from where I looked (= in what direction and if it was up or down, at least that’s what I think…) when I thought about his question.
And what can I say – this is so true. For some things, that’s quite obvious. He asked me how my sister would look with pink hair, or what colour the moped had we just passed. But even when he asked me to tell him how tobacco smells, I visualized a field of tobacco plants. I think that for my whole life, I’ve been taking pictures in my mind, consciously or not. My whole life is in pictures in my head rather than in stories. I connect smells with pictures of the places where I experienced that smell. I won’t remember the story of a book a year after I read it, but even five years later I’m able to tell you how I pictured the protagonists would look like in real life.

And to be honest: I’m afraid of losing any of those pictures. Because losing them would mean forgetting, and there’s nothing I’d ever want to forget, not even the most terrible situations in my life.

So, the song I picked to accompany this post doesn’t really have to do very much with that topic, but I just enjoyed listening to it over and over again while writing this. The song is from the Australian singer/songwriter Thomas Calder aka The Trouble With Templeton. It’s an honest, emotional song, full of passion and sadness. I have no clue how you’re able to write such songs with only 21 years, but he has all my envy for that.

I don’t know your face anymore
‘cause you are so far gone.
I don’t feel your heart anymore
‘cause you are so far gone.

May 25, 567 BC: Servius Tullius, king of Rome, celebrates a triumph for his victory over the Etruscans.
May 25, 1809: The South American Wars of Independence start after a revolt in Sucre.
May 25, 1895: Oscar Wilde is convicted of “committing acts of gross indecency with other male persons” and sentenced to serve two years in prison.
May 25, 1977: “Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope” is released in theaters, inspiring the Jediism religion and the Geek Pride Day.
May 25, 1980: Joe King from The Fray is born.
May 25, 2000: Liberation Day of Lebanon.
May 25, 2001: The first Towel Day is celebrated as commemoration of Douglas Adams.

May 25, 2010: Girl meets boy. Their (rather short) story begins. It’s a story about romance, sunshine, travelling and lots of music.
May 25, 2011: The story of girl & boy has long ended. Still, girl will never forget boy. Even though their time was short, it was wonderful and changed her life. That’s why she’s sitting in a café and writing this.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zHcOFmiswcQ

We fly balloons on this fuel called love.

I’m sitting on the top of a ruin, overlooking Angkor. I’m alone, all the other tourists took the main route and won’t get here before the afternoon. I’m thinking about everything I’ve seen so far, everything I’ve done so far. Everything we’ve done.
I start wondering how it came to the point that I’m able to say “we”. I wanted to do this on my own, but somehow I’m happy I changed my mind. But why are you even here? We barely know each other. You called me “girlfriend” the other day when you were talking to a stranger. You never called me that before. Did you mean it? Or was it just too hard for you to explain whatever this is, that we have? What will happen when we get back to Vienna? I know that there’s no future for us. Why did I not stop you from coming with me? Why did I not change my route to avoid this? Should I talk to you about this? I don’t even know how you feel about me. Should I ask you how you feel about me?

I’m sitting there, all by myself. All those thoughts running around in my head. I put my earplus in. I put Angus & Julia Stone on. I just stare into the endless green woods. I stop thinking. I stop worrying. Because everything I’ve done, everything I’ve seen has been amazing. No matter what you & me are gonna be when we get back.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=emgFZiqpIbg

Angus & Julia Stone will be playing tomorrow at Arena. It’s the concert I’ve been looking foward to the most of this year. It’s going to be my highlight of the year. You will be able to find me in the front row, crying during the whole show.

I had a dream that you were gone.
Woke up and you were gone.
All the love has gone away
cause I didn’t have the heart or strength to say
“I’ll miss you when you’re gone”.

It’s one of those Saturdays. One of those when you know, that last drink yesterday was really not necessary. Or – the last five drinks. One of those when you wake up, the sun is shining, you make a step on the balcony and feel the nice warmth but know at the same time, that putting clothes on and actually going outside would be way too much work.  Also, your to-do list is endless and is waiting for you beneath the laptop.
It’s one of those Saturdays, when you wake up with a song stuck in your head. And it’s this song. And yes, it’s from the band I’ve been telling you about on regular basis. Because they are wonderful. And now you can stream their whole EP. Have a good Saturday!

(Thanks to everybody from yesterday for contributing to my headache. I still love you!)